Airplane! (1980)

Still one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Leslie Nielsen, you will be missed.

10/10

Antichrist (2009)

This movie...wow...I mean...ew...wow. Definitely not one for the squeamish. This film is great for artsy pretentious people who like artsy pretentious movies because they'll cream themselves over the imagery and subtext of the first six minutes until HOLY FUCK, SHIT JUST GOT REAL. And then you kick back and lol as they cry because bad things happen to the main characters' happy places. I won't say much more about it, but it's a beautifully ugly film. You'll see what I mean if you watch it. I had a problem with the misogyny theme, especially when shit kept happening to the GUY.

6/10

Goodfellas (1990)

Definitely a lot of lulzy moments in there. Joe Pesci was hilarious, but way too annoying to be likeable...which is probably what they were going for. Whatever. At some points later in the movie, I was pretty much going "Okay, they're gangsters and they do gangster stuff, WE GET IT." But it was still a pretty great movie on the whole.

8/10

Paranormal Entity (2009)

EL OH EL. Obvious ripoff is obvious. Honestly, if you've already seen Paranormal Activity, you're not missing anything. Here are the differences between PA and PE:
- Half of the title
- The chick dies instead of the boyfriend
- Tits
There ya go. No points for originality, but it was an okay little time-waster.

5/10

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2006)

Meh. Poughkeepsie Tapes didn't really do anything for me. It was slightly creepy at best, but it's only a little more R-rated than your average episode of 48 Hours Mystery. I wouldn't have paid to see it.

4/10

Disco Pigs (2001)

Blah blah blah, another freaking Cillian Murphy film, deal with it. This one happens to be different because this was a pretty definite DO NOT WANT. Seriously, I hated both of the characters and their tragic little love story was annoying and contrived. Darren/Pig is a psychopath that loves Sinead/Runt, who is the weakest female lead this side of Bella Swan. Fuck introverted, she was downright passive until the end. The only thing I liked was how they both put a hole in the wall that separated their bedrooms so they could fall asleep holding hands. I thought that was really cute. Other than that, this is not a good film. I hope the play was better.

2/10

28 Days Later (2002)

Everything about the movie is good except for the plot. Good acting, check. Good atmosphere, check. Disgusting and creepy zombie, check. Good camera work and lighting, check check. That being said, I seriously can't understand why I don't like this movie. I think it's because everyone I've talked to is like "ZOMG SCARIEST MOVIE EVAR" and it really isn't. But I feel like that's an awfully petty reason to not like it. Oh, well. I'll figure it out someday. In the meantime:


a reluctant 5/10

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

I watched this again last night and I swear, it gets better every time. Again, there's quite a bit of hate towards this movie, especially about the dialogue. I mean, are you new here or something? Tarantino likes dialogue. A lot. Granted, some scenes run a little long, but it's okay because Brad Pitt was born to play Aldo Raines and Christoph Waltz deserved that Oscar. Brilliant all around.

9/10

The Fourth Kind (2009)

This movie in a nutshell: LOL I TROL U. Seriously, this one of the most successful troll movies I've ever seen. Put "actual" footage with "movie" footage, get a couple of hoax sites and articles by a non-existent psychologist and there you have it. I really don't understand why this got panned by critics. I like this a lot. People just be mad, I guess.

8/10

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

I'm pretty sure I want to be Stanley Kubrick when I grow up. With grungy aesthetics to complement the horrifying subject matter, "A Clockwork Orange" is a movie everyone needs to see before they die. It is fantastic. Stop reading this and go watch it.

10/10

Clerks II (2006)

An amazing full-circle finale to the View Askewniverse. Alanis Morissette, er, God be praised.

9/10

Dogma (1999)

This made more sense than any Sunday school class or any church sermon I've sat through. Not to mention a hell of a lot funnier.

8/10

Mallrats (1995)

I'm pretty sure Kevin Smith is the only director that can have dead-end college students make "your mom" jokes and have them be funny.

8/10

Clerks (1994)

My friend Becky is hell-bent on improving my lack of movie classics with all things Kevin Smith, so here we go.

The best way to describe "Clerks" is this: a bunch of dickheads shower you with insight and cigarettes. I get bored if a movie has too much dialogue, but this was good dialogue so I didn't mind so much. Jay and Silent Bob are pretty rad. I'm not sure if I would watch it again, but I got something from it, anyway. Plus, Becky will kill me if I say anything bad about it. "Clerks" rules or something.

7/10

Devil (2010)

God, whatever. I'm so tired of M. Night Shitalan existing. This movie is the same tired theological overtones and distracts you with "OMG WHO'S THE DEVIL? I DUNNO LOL" so you don't notice all the plotholes. Honestly, after awhile, I was just waiting for all of them to die. I didn't care about any of the characters at all and I HATE THAT. I wanted to see "The Last Exorcism" more anyway. Plus, all the previews sucked.

The score was awesome, though. In fact, it was the saving grace of this film. F+ for "Devil."

5/10

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

I'm conflicted about this one. The first time I saw it, it scared the shit out of me and I loved it. The second time, it scared the shit out of me, but it was campy and over-the-top, and not necessarily in a good way. A lot of the effects like [SPOILER] Sylvia's eyeballs and brain matter shooting out of her head and spattering Christine's face after her head was smashed by the RANDOM-ASS ANVIL LITERALLY HANGING OUT IN HER SHED FOR NO FUCKING REASON. [/SPOILER] Seriously, what? Anyway, it's a great scare, but I expected something a little more mature from Sam Raimi

7/10

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

I saw this for the first time today because I suck and I LOVED IT! Nobody does it like Tim Burton. It was over 9000 times better than Corpse Bride. All of the songs are perfectly orchestrated and, in most cases, sung by the ingenious Danny Elfman. Not to mention the Nightmare Revisited album showcases the one Marilyn Manson song that I actually like.

Jack Skellington can be my Pumpkin King any day.

10/10

Pathology (2008)

By far one of the more interesting movies I've seen. It's like CSI but starring Doc Robbins and David Palmer and they started a secret club that kills people and then they have to figure out how the other did it. It's a fascinating study on the human condition - from both the living and the dead.

8/10

(Are you happy now, Becky?)

Signs (1994)

Boring.

4/10

The Number 23 (2007)

I quite liked it. Jim Carrey is extremely versatile. Plus, it was fun trying to find the subtle (or not so subtle) visual cues that add up to 23.

8/10

Batman Begins (2005)

Batman Begins. More like Batman Backstory, amirite? Yes. However, I love back story and this was fun to watch. I like the concept of taking what you fear and making evil people fear it as well. Talk about being proactive.

The villain, however, was rather pathetic. Cillian Murphy, once again, is gorgeous and flawless in general (gross barf vomit, I know), but the Scarecrow was laughable at best. RAAH, SCARY TOXIC FEAR VAPOR OF DEATH WHILE ON MY HORSIE AND BEING DEFEATED BY A CHARACTER THAT DIDN'T EXIST IN THE COMICS ORIGINALLY WITH A TASER AND OH YEAH DO YOU LIKE MY SCARY POTATO SACK MASK? Slow your roll there, Dr. Burlap. Team Joker.

6.5/10 (Holy decimals, Batman!)

Fight Club (1999)

I have to watch this one again because I still don't get the significance of the soap thing. Yeah, Tyler Durden was a soap salesman. Big deal.

I love this movie. I knew the twist ending before I saw it and it still blew my mind. All the visual cues that hint towards the ending are so obvious now. XD Plus, I'd totally do Marla Singer. Who wouldn't? Brad Pitt and Jared Leto are yummy, blah blah blah. I want to read the book.

10/10

The Dark Knight (2008)

YES, BECAUSE YES.

I'm not into superhero stuff at all, but The Dark Knight knocked my socks off and then made me eat them. Heath Ledger is flawless. Christian Bale is awesome minus the part where his Batman voice was super annoying. Apparently, Cillian Murphy is in it for approximately three seconds (I've missed it every time). Gary Oldman is always a good time. Morgan Freeman was Morgan Freeman. Everything was great. This is one of my top favorites.

9/10

Sunshine (2007)

SHUT UP I REALLY LIKE CILLIAN MURPHY OKAY.

I'm not one for space movies all that much, but this was pretty awesome. I like ensemble casts, but I feel the term doesn't really apply to this film. Robert Capa was obviously the most important, but I was invested in some of the others. The end is depressing and bittersweet. I shed a couple of tears. Deal with it.

8/10

Red Eye (2005)

Cillian Murphy has major acting chops. Watching him go from charming blue-eyed deliciousness to rasping deranged psycho killer was so awesome I came buckets. Of course, I'm completely biased because I love Murphy almost as much as Jensen Ackles. Almost. A-FUCKING-LOT. Jensen who? Rachel McAdams plays the quick-thinking TOTALLY NOT WIMPY heroine, which I FUCKING LOVE. Character development is like Cinnamon Streusel Frosted Mini-Wheats: I can't get enough of that sweet, healthy, fibery goodness. MAKE me feel for the characters. It does a movie-watcher's body good. For a far-fetched plot, this thriller delivers.

9/10

Stanley Kubrick's The Shining (1980)

I wish more horror filmmakers would follow this example. Absolutely terrifying.

10/10

Harry Potter (2001-2011)

Separate posts be damned, I'm combining all the movies.


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

The most faithful adaption to the book. We're off to a good start.

9/10











Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Same director, still faithful, more intense. YAY.

10/10













Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

This is where we start playing Director Roulette. Alfonso Cuaron starts changing unnecessary shit, setting precedents for directors after him, and casts Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. I love me some Gary Oldman, but he would not have been my choice as Sirius. I didn't like David Thewlis as Lupin either, but he (Petti)grew on me. Sorry, that was awful.

7/10







Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

Mike Newell takes the director's seat for this film. It's been awhile since I've watched it, but I remember it being pretty good. Fleur Delacour was so wrongly cast it isn't even funny. The three Triwizard Tournament tasks were awesome scenes. Again, I didn't like Brendan Gleeson as Mad-Eye Moody, but he grew on me. Oh yeah, and this is the film that introduced Robert Pattinson to the world. Way to fucking go, Mike.

7/10





Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

This is where it gets goddamn ridiculous. David Yates is now directing and will be for the last three films. Everything in this adaption is embarrassing and retarded. The only thing he remotely got right was Umbridge and even she was too pretty. Oh, and Luna Lovegood was spot on as well. I understand the need to omit certain parts to fit a 600 page novel into less than 3 hours, but that also means NOT ADDING RANDOM AND UNNECESSARY SHIT.

1/10



Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

THIS MOVIE IS THE REASON FOR EVERY BAD THING IN THE WORLD EVER. I point-blank refuse to watch this movie ever again or own it. There was absolutely nothing good in this film AT ALL. I'm surprised rabid fans didn't burn down the Warner Bros. building. If this is what sets up the last two films, everybody's gettin' raped.

0/10
Read my full review here.

St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

I prefer the DVD cover to the movie poster just for the tagline. "You can always count on your friends. Don't ever let the fire go out." Amen.

9/10

The Breakfast Club (1985)

The part where they sit around and talk about how miserable their family lives are reminds me of every sleepover I've been to since the sixth grade. Another one of my favorites. The late John Hughes knew teenagers better than most teenagers.

10/10

Salvage (2005)

Actually pretty terrifying! Lauren Currie Lewis was a little too reminiscent of Kristen Stewart for my taste, but she played a sympathetic character and the concept was interesting. A lot of the movie was redundant, but for reasons revealed at the end.

7/10

Memory (2007)

I expected a lot more from a movie with Billy Zane and Dennis Hopper. Boring.

2/10

Bloody Mary

This movie was 500% less scary the second time I watched it at 3 AM. I hate when movies do that. It wasn't any less disgusting, though.

5/10

Mortuary

Retarded and Dan Byrd pisses me off with his existence. Don't waste your time.

1/10

O Brother, Where Art Thou?

One of my favorites. Flawless dialogue and performances by all, plus a great old-timey soundtrack to boot.

10/10

Pineapple Express

MUCH funnier than I expected.

8/10

Liar Liar

It's so rare to find a comedy that makes me laugh at all, much less every time I watch it.

9/10

Spirited Away

<3

10/10

Total Eclipse

Yeah, another Leo movie, shaddup.

This is pretty much along the lines of Amadeus. Another movie about an insane genius involved in a torrid love affair with his art...only in this case, it's also with another man. HOT. Nah, but seriously. Total Eclipse is gorgeous.

10/10

Amadeus

I remember watching this for the first time in my tenth grade chorus class. I also remember that in the opening scene when Salieri tries to commit suicide, the blood was purple because the TV over-saturated the color. Yeah, there was no point to that anecdote. I think about 1% of my class appreciated this movie like I did. Pure genius. As much as I loved F. Murray Abraham's performance as Salieri, Tom Hulce got robbed.

10/10

Rosemary's Baby

I was expecting a movie like "The Omen" with creepy children and theological overtones. What I got was disappointment. Boring and contrived.

3/10

Requiem for a Dream

Absolutely everyone needs to see this movie. It is not for entertainment. It is not for the faint of heart. It is not pretty. It is hard, gritty, real, and aesthetically bare. It is the truth. Go watch it.

10/10

Kiki's Delivery Service

I never thought I'd say this, but I was extremely disappointed. I am a huge Miyazaki fan, but this was so boring. Kiki was annoying, the cat was eternally pessimistic, and none of the other characters really mattered. None of the Miyazaki magic was there.

2/10

Teeth

Describe this movie in three words: Dicks. Dicks everywhere.

Seriously though, one of the best satirical cautionary tales ever. Protip for guys: don't be a rapist. Your victim might have vagina dentata.

8/10

Paranormal Activity

There is no middle ground with this movie. Either you loved it or you hated it. If you hated it, you dismissed it as overrated and boring. If you loved it, it stuck with you. I loved Paranormal Activity. I saw it twice in theaters, both times by myself. It's one thing to watch it at the theater but I shat bricks when I watched it at home. Seriously, I have never been so terrified after watching a movie. I second-guessed benign household noises and shadows. What you can't see is so much scarier than what is right there. Things you can try to escape from versus things that are beyond your control. Not to mention this shit is right in your house, the one place you're supposed to feel safe. Director Oren Peli preys on our worst fears and does a fabulous job. Believe it or not, I'm looking forward to the sequel.

Micah was a huge dick, though. I could have done without his douchebaggery. Poor Katie.

10/10

Donnie Darko

Oh look, another overrated cult classic. This movie bored the shit out of me. And no, it wasn't because I didn't get it. I didn't even care enough to try and get it. I wasn't emotionally invested in any of the characters so when shit hit the fan, not a single fuck was given that day. Plus this movie spawned a flop sequel. Ha ha.

2/10