Darkness Falls (2003)

This movie got thoroughly shat on by critics and undeservedly so. I mean, okay, the acting was shoddy in some places and there was a character that came out of fucking nowhere...but the scares are plentiful with lots of booga-booga moments and overall, it's a great movie for sleepovers.

7/10

On another note, I have a whole slew of movies I need to put on here, which I'll do sometime soon. I got lazy. My apologies to all 0 of my readers.

The Social Network (2010)

Good performances, good cinematography, good flow in the storyline. In other words, wholly unremarkable and undeserving of all the rave reviews.

6/10

A Serbian Film (2010)

Foreign movies are always hard to rate because there's always something lost in translation. In this case, it's more like "What the actual fuck did I just subject my retinas and brain to?" To put it mildly, it is a highly visual film...one that is not for the weak-stomached, anyone that you actually care about, or anyone with morals. Supposedly, it's an extended metaphor for how the Serbian government treats its people, but even if you look past all the gratuitous sex and violence, even that redeeming quality is barely there. Disgusting, highly reprehensible...avoid this one.

4/10

Zack and Miri Make A Porno (2008)

I think this ties with Dogma as my favorite Kevin Smith movie. Cute, funny, smart, and surprisingly heartwarming without being mushy. It's good shit for a movie that's mostly a porn shoot.

9/10

Airplane! (1980)

Still one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Leslie Nielsen, you will be missed.

10/10

Antichrist (2009)

This movie...wow...I mean...ew...wow. Definitely not one for the squeamish. This film is great for artsy pretentious people who like artsy pretentious movies because they'll cream themselves over the imagery and subtext of the first six minutes until HOLY FUCK, SHIT JUST GOT REAL. And then you kick back and lol as they cry because bad things happen to the main characters' happy places. I won't say much more about it, but it's a beautifully ugly film. You'll see what I mean if you watch it. I had a problem with the misogyny theme, especially when shit kept happening to the GUY.

6/10

Goodfellas (1990)

Definitely a lot of lulzy moments in there. Joe Pesci was hilarious, but way too annoying to be likeable...which is probably what they were going for. Whatever. At some points later in the movie, I was pretty much going "Okay, they're gangsters and they do gangster stuff, WE GET IT." But it was still a pretty great movie on the whole.

8/10

Paranormal Entity (2009)

EL OH EL. Obvious ripoff is obvious. Honestly, if you've already seen Paranormal Activity, you're not missing anything. Here are the differences between PA and PE:
- Half of the title
- The chick dies instead of the boyfriend
- Tits
There ya go. No points for originality, but it was an okay little time-waster.

5/10

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2006)

Meh. Poughkeepsie Tapes didn't really do anything for me. It was slightly creepy at best, but it's only a little more R-rated than your average episode of 48 Hours Mystery. I wouldn't have paid to see it.

4/10

Disco Pigs (2001)

Blah blah blah, another freaking Cillian Murphy film, deal with it. This one happens to be different because this was a pretty definite DO NOT WANT. Seriously, I hated both of the characters and their tragic little love story was annoying and contrived. Darren/Pig is a psychopath that loves Sinead/Runt, who is the weakest female lead this side of Bella Swan. Fuck introverted, she was downright passive until the end. The only thing I liked was how they both put a hole in the wall that separated their bedrooms so they could fall asleep holding hands. I thought that was really cute. Other than that, this is not a good film. I hope the play was better.

2/10

28 Days Later (2002)

Everything about the movie is good except for the plot. Good acting, check. Good atmosphere, check. Disgusting and creepy zombie, check. Good camera work and lighting, check check. That being said, I seriously can't understand why I don't like this movie. I think it's because everyone I've talked to is like "ZOMG SCARIEST MOVIE EVAR" and it really isn't. But I feel like that's an awfully petty reason to not like it. Oh, well. I'll figure it out someday. In the meantime:


a reluctant 5/10

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

I watched this again last night and I swear, it gets better every time. Again, there's quite a bit of hate towards this movie, especially about the dialogue. I mean, are you new here or something? Tarantino likes dialogue. A lot. Granted, some scenes run a little long, but it's okay because Brad Pitt was born to play Aldo Raines and Christoph Waltz deserved that Oscar. Brilliant all around.

9/10

The Fourth Kind (2009)

This movie in a nutshell: LOL I TROL U. Seriously, this one of the most successful troll movies I've ever seen. Put "actual" footage with "movie" footage, get a couple of hoax sites and articles by a non-existent psychologist and there you have it. I really don't understand why this got panned by critics. I like this a lot. People just be mad, I guess.

8/10

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

I'm pretty sure I want to be Stanley Kubrick when I grow up. With grungy aesthetics to complement the horrifying subject matter, "A Clockwork Orange" is a movie everyone needs to see before they die. It is fantastic. Stop reading this and go watch it.

10/10

Clerks II (2006)

An amazing full-circle finale to the View Askewniverse. Alanis Morissette, er, God be praised.

9/10

Dogma (1999)

This made more sense than any Sunday school class or any church sermon I've sat through. Not to mention a hell of a lot funnier.

8/10

Mallrats (1995)

I'm pretty sure Kevin Smith is the only director that can have dead-end college students make "your mom" jokes and have them be funny.

8/10

Clerks (1994)

My friend Becky is hell-bent on improving my lack of movie classics with all things Kevin Smith, so here we go.

The best way to describe "Clerks" is this: a bunch of dickheads shower you with insight and cigarettes. I get bored if a movie has too much dialogue, but this was good dialogue so I didn't mind so much. Jay and Silent Bob are pretty rad. I'm not sure if I would watch it again, but I got something from it, anyway. Plus, Becky will kill me if I say anything bad about it. "Clerks" rules or something.

7/10

Devil (2010)

God, whatever. I'm so tired of M. Night Shitalan existing. This movie is the same tired theological overtones and distracts you with "OMG WHO'S THE DEVIL? I DUNNO LOL" so you don't notice all the plotholes. Honestly, after awhile, I was just waiting for all of them to die. I didn't care about any of the characters at all and I HATE THAT. I wanted to see "The Last Exorcism" more anyway. Plus, all the previews sucked.

The score was awesome, though. In fact, it was the saving grace of this film. F+ for "Devil."

5/10

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

I'm conflicted about this one. The first time I saw it, it scared the shit out of me and I loved it. The second time, it scared the shit out of me, but it was campy and over-the-top, and not necessarily in a good way. A lot of the effects like [SPOILER] Sylvia's eyeballs and brain matter shooting out of her head and spattering Christine's face after her head was smashed by the RANDOM-ASS ANVIL LITERALLY HANGING OUT IN HER SHED FOR NO FUCKING REASON. [/SPOILER] Seriously, what? Anyway, it's a great scare, but I expected something a little more mature from Sam Raimi

7/10